Lord knows I never thought one day I would be writing anything like this let alone sharing it on the internet. I have debated in my mind for the past three months as to whether it was necessary to share this with those that know me or might have at one point or another, met me. Last year on the 7th of November I made the conscious decision to become sober, completely and indefinitely. I type this fully aware that I suffer from alcoholism, and it's something I'm no longer ashamed to admit. My problem in particular is binge drinking (the consumption of an excessive amount of alcohol in a short period of time). I have never had a 'healthy' relationship with alcohol or drunk because I liked the taste, I often drunk to get drunk.
Once I REALLY started, it would be damn near impossible to make me stop, the party never stopped for me once the lights were up/once everyone else had called it a night, there was always someone willing to carry the party on with me (unless there really wasn't or I had been FORCED to go home - which did happen many a time). I had no limits, no brakes, no anchor, nothing. Happily having 'just one drink' wasn't something I willingly practised, or did habitually. Don't get me wrong, I have gone out for one/two drinks many times, but inside that's not what I wanted. What fun is there in babysitting a glass of wine for an entire dinner? I just wanted to get hammered so the best version of myself could come out, so the real fun could start! or so I thought.
I would be thinking about the next glass three sips into the first, then carry on drinking because I felt nothing, no buzz. Soon after it would all catch up with me and memory loss would set in (I mainly get en block blackouts - stretches of time for which the person has no memory whatsoever, meaning anything could happen and I would never remember it, and no amount of reminders will bring anything to the surface. Your brain simply cannot produce memories that were never stored). I considered blacking out an inevitable stage of my drinking not something to be concerned about, you'd be suprised how many people think this way too.
The worst thing I found was when I was in a blackout, you might not even be able to tell (unless you really know me and you see the character switch happen or notice the blankness behind my eyes) I don't slur my words, stumble, dribble, can't string a sentence together. It's the complete opposite, I seem fully alert, I'm confident with my body, I can be charming, witty, funny, whatever. I make grand plans (which are soon forgotten), I seem all there. Only thing is, my inhibitions are extremely low, and I'm capable of doing/saying things I normally wouldn't. I felt as though at times I became an exaggeration of myself with some bad habits attached. Don't get me wrong I've had some awesome times whilst drinking, it didn't end badly every single time, a few of those good times I've had with some of you reading this! But the lows stick in my mind like tar and the lows became quite regular. Some of the things I have done in my drunken state make me shudder with fear, it's a good thing I can't drive! Now and then I get a sudden reminder of what I've done in my past and it's shocking to realise how many things we can stuff in the corners of our minds, only for them to surface and taunt us. Alcohol has never worked for me but I carried on abusing it, just never ready to let it go. Most of my worst moments and memories, it has always been involved.
From late 2009 my drinking behaviours have only got worse, that's 8 years of serious blackouts, 8 years of rarely socialising in a sober state, 8 years of drinking to reach that point of pure carelessness, 8 years of not REALLY knowing who I am, 8 years of a false persona taking over. It took me so long to ACCEPT I had a problem, and here is why. 1) I wasn't homeless or sleeping on a park bench with liquor in a brown bag, so I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic, right? WRONG! 2) I never craved alcohol, drunk daily, or even weekly, only in social situations or at parties, but once you got me going, I often became a very selfish drunk (I've heard, 'you're young, stop worrying, everyone gets like that!'...no they don't, not everyone). It would be all about me, I would completely forget who was around me and go searching for a non-existent spotlight, that I always found (in the form of a man or anyone wow'ed by me) and struggled to let go of. A plethora of meaningless flings, waking up in mystery locations, non-stop party favours, EVERYTHING in excess. It was NEVER time to go home and as I mentioned before, there was/is ALWAYS an after-party! No one was going to steal my fun without a fight, friend, boyfriend or family, I wasn't hearing it.
Simultaneously I was misreading the true meaning of friendship and it didn't help that in my immediate circle we were all doing the same thing, constantly on the pursuit of fun. I was surrounded by drinking buddies and truth is that's as deep as it ever was. Every time we met up, I or someone would have a bottle or make the beautiful suggestion to get one, what time it was didn't always matter and it didn't have to be a special occasion either. I started believing that FUN equals getting wasted and those beliefs followed me into adulthood, up until very recently. I had started to build a reputation I didn't want for myself and it really hurt me when I would tell people that I was going to stop drinking and the common responses would be 'yeah right, how long will that last?' and thing's like 'so, when you start drinking again...' most of these comments from those same 'friends'. I felt like change was impossible, so I carried on, for YEARS. I even ran into an old pal at a party not too long ago and he introduced me to his friend as 'the girl who taught him how to drink'. First & lasting impressions, huh?
So many times I got way too drunk, fucked up, apologised and promised I would change. That never happened. Quite a few people left my life and gave up on me, some stayed. I tried to control my drinking but as long as I was drinking, nothing got better. I distanced myself from the friendships that were ruined and moved to new ones but the same patterns creeped in and my life slowly started to decline. I was in and out of pretty good jobs but never stayed at one for longer than a month, I was on bad terms with my family, I was an internal mess, my self-esteem was at an all-time low, I was incredibly unhappy. I was prioritising all the wrong things but at least my social life was thriving! that was my mentality.
When I was drinking, my hangovers came with a side of anxiety and a dash of angry friends/partners/family reluctantly filling me in on what I had done the night before. How I was behaving, what I was saying or who I disappeared with. I got my fair share of physical evidence in the form of strange beds, strings of phone calls I had made, who I offended, who I was caught lying to, who I had texted to come over at god-knows what time...my address attached of course/or theirs, or who I'd made some absurd promise to. Imagine needing other people to piece together YOUR memories for you because you are not capable of recollecting what you did 80% of the time you went out (yep that's pretty high!). I have met a few people thinking it was the first time, but then found out we had met a couple of times before, news to me! I know from experience that a lot of my actions are now some people's permanent perception of me, but I'm learning to take full responsibility, forgive myself and live the life I know I deserve. The only thing I can do is work on being who I want the world to know I am. There is no use in self-shaming and getting frustrated with things I have done in my past.
3 months ago I got sick of living the way I was. Everything else in my life was going the way it should be, but that one thing still followed me. I rarely went out or drunk but when I did, that same behaviour always came back, at full pelt! I got tired of hurting the people I love, I got tired of destroying honest relationships. I got bored of my flaky behaviour and had to face the facts, something had to change but I needed to actually WANT change to happen. I have had suggestions that I maybe try to 'cut down' but it simply doesn't work for me, I have tried many times, from switching to water between drinks to no more than one drink every hour, among other strategies, but those carefully thought out plans quickly went out the window and I slid back into the same patterns. I don't need suggestions on how to 'control' alcohol, it just doesn't work that way. I simply need to abstain.
I never saw my sobriety through because I was scared to lose my carefree 'party girl' persona, that is the sad truth. That seemed more important to me than getting my life on track. I thought being sober would KILL my personality, little did I know I was slowly doing that anyway. I had instilled the notion that I could only be comfortable in a party/social environment if I was buzzing, someway somehow. Sitting here I realise that those amazing moments and awesome times were me! I can still be all those glorious things I exuded. I want to FEEL the best version of myself without relying on ANYTHING to bring that out of me. I want to be free. I want to have genuine fun! I want to TURN UP and remember everything about where am I, what I'm doing, and who I've met.
Is sobriety hard? YES! It's a daily struggle. I am one temptation away from going back to square one, and I cannot let that happen! But whats harder than not drinking is existing and not LIVING, and THAT was my life. Shiny and full of life on the outside but I was hurting to the core. I slightly envy those that can drink and know when to call it a day/night...I just never could, no matter how hard I tried. Look at it this way, if the way I drunk was normal I never would have attempted sobriety in the first place. Sobriety is hands down the best decision I have ever made & I'm seeing how much better my life is already, I'm on a mission to right my wrongs on a daily basis. The amount of things I have managed to commit to and achieve since making that choice, is astounding. From the smallest to complete life structure changes. It had to be all or nothing. None of this means I'm now a recluse/hermit, I intend to still have a good time, just differently. I'm still me, just awake! It's crazy how thoughts of sober socialising or living beyond inebriation have caused me so much anxiety because it's all I've known for such a long time now, but at 24 I'm learning that there's more to life (social or otherwise) than getting wasted. Dare I say it!
When I tried to stop drinking before I never told people the real reason behind me stopping, I would say I'm just taking a little break or kind of seem like I just didn't like alcohol that much, seem like I was in control of my choices, but that was not true. There just didn't seem a right time to say 'oh it's because I think I might have a problem with alcohol...'. I knew I was in trouble, it was destroying my life. I will no longer treat myself like a leper because of my alcoholism and I know a LOT of people feel the same way (especially our generation), society makes us feel embarrassed to admit we have a problem. Some people choose not to support people going sober because I guess it makes them look at at their own habits and they don't like it, but this is not to judge anyone's choices. I'm exactly the same as you, just trying to figure this life thing out. I'm publicly voicing this because these issues riddle more of us than we care to admit, I write this for those who might suspect they have a problem or are thinking of moderating their alcohol intake. Do some research, talk to someone, decide if certain things are making you better (and please realise, alcohol doesn't make you better!), or making you worse. You are not alone! I also write this so I can hold myself accountable and not feel the need to hide that I am going through something quite scary and challenging. There is no shame in needing help! Reach out! It can happen to anyone, I've discovered first hand that disease doesn't have a face.
Africa
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